Feedback is delicious
This moment in uninspired parenting happened in my house last week:
Me, to 16yo old: It's just you and me for dinner tonight. What should we have?
16yo: I'm craving sushi.
Me: Actually, I'm going to order pizza.
See, by the time I asked the 16yo what she wanted for dinner, I wasn't really looking for input. I had already kind of decided to order pizza.
Feedback perfection
My questionable parenting story aside, if you work long enough and give enough feedback, and you'll come across a few common types of people:
The true seeker: Across my career, I've worked with a handful of people who are excellent at asking for and using feedback. These true seekers are miraculous. They show up without ego, ask for input, and then use what they hear to align and improve, also without ego. Needless to say, true seekers are a joy to work with and great at their jobs.
The receiver: There's another bigger group of people who may not ask for input, but who are able to receive feedback and apply it when it is offered. I have worked with many of these feedback receivers. It takes effort to hear feedback non-defensively, and receivers are typically mature and strong colleagues.
The resister: Naturally, there's a third group that is neither looking for feedback nor able to hear it. Feedback triggers their anxieties, and they may become combative and resistant if feedback is offered. To resisters, feedback feels like an attack. It is hard to work with them because it is hard to tell them the truth (especially if you hate conflict).
The performer: Finally, there's a fourth group of people: those who ask for feedback, but entirely disregard what they hear. This is the worst. Why ask for input if you already know you aren't going to change your thinking?
People tend to relate to feedback in consistent ways, but most of us have shown up in all of the above categories depending on the situation.
Hearing feedback doesn't mean agreeing with it
Hearing feedback doesn't mean following it to the letter. Sometimes people ask for feedback, consider what they hear carefully, and make a decision that contradicts the feedback. This is totally reasonable.
It is possible to take time to hear feedback, thoughtfully weigh it against other factors, and make an intentional choice. If you explain your final decision transparently in the end, people may feel disappointed, but they rarely feel unheard.
But when I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner and then announced that I was ordering pizza anyway, I was being a performer. The question is: Why do we do this?
Unforced errors all around
Nothing infuriates people more than asking for their opinion and doing nothing with it. The most common place I've seen this happen at work is in employee surveys.
Here's a scenario: A senior executive wants their remote team to return to the office. Her HR leader warns her that people aren't going to like this, but the exec has conviction that it is the right thing for the team.
She decides to include a question in the upcoming company survey to validate her idea. With overwhelming consensus, the team provides feedback that they don't want to return to the office. A few weeks later, she announces the RTO plan. The team is angry. They say things like, "If you had already decided on RTO, why did you bother asking for my opinion?"
I've seen this scenario play out hundreds of times. It goes like this:
- Leader has already made a decision in their head
- Leader goes through the motions of asking for feedback to validate the decision they have already made
- Team says they want sushi, leader tells them she's ordering pizza
- Team feels unheard and confused
Typically when this happens, the leader thinks, "Of course they're mad, they aren't getting their way. All just part of leadership, I guess."
But this isn't why the team is mad. They're mad because you made them feel like they got a vote and then disregarded their ballot.
The bottom line: Don't ask for input that you aren't going to use. Nothing undermines a team's confidence in your leadership faster. It is far worse than not asking for feedback at all.
By the way, in the end, my 16yo called me out on being a performer. We ordered sushi.
Kieran
Here are my three best exercises for building high-performing and connected teams that give and take feedback well.
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