The best compliment I ever got
When I was in middle school, I had an academic rival. Occasionally we were friendly, but our classroom dynamic was open combat. One time, after a particularly contentious debate in algebra, I overheard his best friend complaining how argumentative I was.
I'll never forget what I heard my rival say next: "Look, even her greatest enemy would admit she's good at math." All these years later, it remains one of the most validating compliments I've ever received.
If you want an honest take on your strengths and weaknesses, no one knows you as well as your frenemies.
Let's hear it for frenemies
I've taken my fair share of personality tests. The Enneagram (8w3 at work, 3w8 in my personal life). Insights Discovery (red and yellow at work, yellow and green in my personal life). Myers-Briggs (ENTJ at work, ENFP in my personal life). Last year, I took the Herrmann Brain Dominance Instrument, or HBDI, and I wrote about the results.
But if you're looking for self-knowledge, there are two questions that give you more data than any assessment:
- What would even your greatest detractors admit you are great at?
- What would even your staunchest advocates say you need to work on?
I recently tackled both of these for myself. The results were illuminating.
Gotta love an advocate
It's easy to spot your advocates. You love them, and they love you. A great advocate goes out of their way to rep you when you're not in the room. They see you for the shining star you are.
I asked my coach to get anonymous feedback from five people I consider to be major advocates for me. I know them from different settings, but all have known me well over a long period of time. I was happy to hear their view of my strengths, but I was most interested in their answer to this question:
In your experience with me, what #1 weakness gets in my way?
I am intimately familiar with all my weaknesses, but I didn't know which were apparent to others. However, everyone said the same thing:
"You love combat. Combat is exhausting to people who do not love combat."
"You are the favorite coworker of people who like battling it out in the arena of ideas. For people who prefer a gentler approach, you are a lot."
"You show love by arguing. I like arguing, so I feel loved. If I didn't like arguing, I would not feel loved."
My 7th grade math frenemy would probably have agreed with them. Interestingly, AI agrees with them too. When I asked AI to name things that even my staunchest allies would say I need to work on, I got this in response:
Your standards are high, your pace is fast, and your reactions are honest. Arguing is your love language. That combination can make people feel off-balance.
Well then!
Your detractors know the truth
Asking detractors for feedback is much tougher than asking advocates. However, you can learn more from their perspective than anyone else's. If your detractors are willing to acknowledge that you have a strength, it's probably legit.
I gave my coach the names of five people I've worked with in the past who fit two criteria: 1) They did not end up fans of mine in the end, and 2) I respect their capabilities. To my surprise, all five agreed to give feedback as part of this exercise (if you are one of them, thank you). They had a lot to share, but I was especially interested in their responses to this question:
In your experience with me, what #1 strength do I have?
I wasn't sure what to expect. But here too, they generally agreed with one another:
"Great at merging opposite perspectives and data points into something coherent."
"She finds the narrative and communicates it clearly, and that inspires people"
"She is a world-class user of words. To tell stories, to motivate people, to find the path between different points of view."
AI said the same thing:
"You turn messy, ambiguous stuff into something sharp and usable. Detractors might say you’re blunt or impatient, but they still rely on you to make the fuzzy concrete."
I ended up feeling very seen by this feedback from my detractors. Which of course I have to take their feedback about my weaknesses seriously too.
The bottom line: Get answers to these two questions:
- What would even your greatest detractors admit you are great at?
- What would even your staunchest advocates say you need to work on?
Do the 360. There's gold on the other side.
Kieran
Want to help the frenemies on your team better understand each other? Here are my three best exercises for building high-performing and connected teams.
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