A modern way to fail
Here's the stereotype about your worst manager: They're harsh, impatient, lose their temper. They yell a lot. They are defensive and dismissive. Intolerant of others. Sometimes they're just mean.
If you've had a manager like that, I'm sorry. I haven't seen very many of them. In most workplaces, abusive managers aren't allowed to stick around.
By contrast, most modern managers care about you and want you to grow. They’re understanding when you have personal emergencies. They certainly don’t scream and throw tantrums.
And yet! Though it's more subtle, this new generation of managers can undermine you just the same. A lot of the time, they're not even aware they're doing it.
This week, let's meet five toxic modern managers.
Toxic type #1: The pal
Last year, a friend of mine heard from her boss that she was getting a huge promotion. She was thrilled! But when her review came around, her boss told her the promo hadn't gone through. He had advocated for her, but his boss had said no. He apologized and said he felt terrible.
This boss thought he was being supportive, but in every way, he screwed up that conversation. Because he was "friends" with his employee, he told her about her promotion before he should have. When the promo was rejected, he threw his own manager under the bus. He thought he was saying, "I'm on your side," but he was actually saying, "I can't advocate for you effectively."
My friend felt disappointed to not get the promotion, but it was even worse than that. She felt betrayed by someone she thought was her friend.
If you're someone's manager, you have to do the work of managing them whether or not you're friends. That means doing your job by the rules. It also means owning the message even if you hate the message.
Toxic type #2: The squirrel-chaser
Early in my career, my manager asked me to lead a project with several of my peers. Two months into an around-the-clock effort, three of my teammates told me they'd been assigned to other work instead.
I asked my boss about it. "Yeah, I'm asking everyone to realign," she told me. She had a new idea she was more excited about and asked me to switch gears. I was disappointed, but I did it.
A few days later, she moved us all back to the original project. Over the next several weeks, she moved us on and off the project multiple times. The main thing I learned was to disregard her guidance, because I knew she would change with the wind.
Sometimes there are good reasons to shift priorities. If you have to do it, do it intentionally, with awareness of the disruption you are causing. Don't chase squirrels. It doesn't matter how "nice" you are about it. Chaos makes you toxic.
Toxic type #3: The crowdsourcer
One time, I put a great individual contributor in her first manager role. She had earned the respect of the team, and people were excited for her to lead. But a couple months in, she was having problems.
"Everyone on the team has different values," she complained. "I can't get people to unify at all."
"Well, what about you?" I asked her. "What do you want your team to be known for?"
"I'll ask people in our next team meeting!" she replied.
The source of her issues was immediately clear. Your team can give valuable input on many topics, but they can't tell you what you stand for as a leader.
You can't crowdsource your values. Don't let your fear of conflict keep you from telling people what they are.
Toxic type #4: The scenester
One time, A Famous Celebrity invited me to an amazing-sounding private event. Unfortunately, I was too busy with customer stuff to attend. When I mentioned it to a leader on my team, they asked if they could go instead of me.
I was skeptical about her workload, but she insisted she had the time. I worked it out with the organizers for her to attend in my place.
A few months later, I discovered that the same leader had been cancelling all their team meetings to attend various influencer events around the industry. I found out when a team member set up time to let me know they hadn't had a 1-1 in 10 weeks.
Don't be so concerned with industry glitz that you forget your day job. Your day job is the source of all your real credibility.
Toxic type #5: The swooper
This is the most painful type for me to describe. Swooping has been my personal toxic trait.
Scenario: A leader on my team is taking too long on something: a strategy, a decision, a piece of data. I figure I can expedite things by reaching out directly to the appropriate individual on their team.
In the moment, swooping down into the team feels fast and effective. It's energizing to move with speed. It's fun to talk to smart people doing critical work. It's powerful to hear their first-hand POV from the ground.
But every time I've done this, it has undermined everyone involved. The individual I reach out to isn't clear who they answer to. The manager is unclear what their responsibilities are. Instead of holding them accountable, I avoid the conflict by swooping around them. This never works out in the long run.
The bottom line: You don't have to be a bully to be toxic. Even kind managers who are wonderful human beings inadvertently undermine their teams with toxic behaviors (though remember, even your worst manager is occasionally helpful).
Have you had any of these managers? Have you been any of these managers? (If you're curious, here are some mistakes I've made myself.)
Kieran
I wrote down three of my tried-and-true prompts for team meetings that drive team connection and performance. No big budget required!
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